a wide stance

11/21/2002:
some notes here. it's late. and my sleep has been off:

• had to salvage a sinking lesson, Chemistry of Life, with Year 1 at GTTC. it's tough to teach that class. only 3 students in it! i just said forget it... let me lecture. almost lost my patience. kept cool, though. some parts were tough. i had to answer my own questions. but we moved on... gotta adapt. be flexible.

• finally got my hands on that book in the Saudi fatwa series. the one with the section on the Tijani tariqa. those Wahhabis are merciless, i tell you! they seldom mention the tariqa by name without calling its people the staunchest of infidels, misguided polytheists (i.e. shirk). they say you cannot pray behind them, cannot marry from them, cannot pray on their departed, etc. while i can't deny that i still have some purist tendencies, leftover from ISA and especially on issues of shirk and the seal of prophecy, these fatwas are just too much. [see the following article, in French, on how this conflict plays out in Douala]. you can't just excommunicate people left and right. it takes much more حِلم [forbearance] than that... والله أعلم [and God knows best].

• just back from taraweeh [ramadan evening prayers] at Buba's. they got into another heated conversation after prayer. it was about this same topic / same book above. but to go back to a point from last week. i really enjoy conversing with and hearing these shabab [young men] converse. reminds me of myself and the fellas [shabab] back home. academic debates with influences from Shakespeare to Plato to the Prophet. a foot in the West, and the other in the East. a wide stance, indeed. and, these days, as these worlds seem to drift apart, it feels like we're being forced to choose which side we're on. to lift one foot off one of these worlds or risk being torn in two. but is that right? is that the only way to conceive of this?

• i had two points to make, based on these conversations with the shabab, in terms of education: 

1. come to terms with our ambivalence between "Western secular" education and "Islamic religious" studies. i feel like most educated young mulsim men our age, at one time of their lives or another, feel torn between the two. wanting both, but too often seeing them in conflict, and feeling forced to compromise one for the other. and it makes no sense. i've had friends both here and in the US tell me they want to leave "western/secular" schooling and go off to study religion... be it nigeria or saudi arabia. again, it makes no sense. what is "secular" education, anyway? which brings me to my 2nd point... 
2. come to terms with the fact that our faith does not ask us to choose between it and secular education. in fact, it questions the notion of "secular" knowledge and calls upon us to pursue knowledge in all fields. and so – for the sake of this "torn" generation, the generations to follow, and our faith itself – we need to find (or re-establish) a way to do both. to educate ourselves religiously, and for lack of a better word, "secularly." والله أعلم

mountains of fruit!

 

also 9/1/2002:

OK... some basic arithmetic, from last night's dinner:

• 2 bananas: 25 cfa here / $.50 there
• 1 papaya: 125 cfa here / $2 there
• 1 avocado: 50 cfa here / $1 there
• 1 pineapple: 250 cfa here / $4 there
• 2 bread-buns: 100 cfa here / $1 there
• total: 400 cfa here / $8.50 there
  

$8.50 = 5,950 cfa... that's mountains of fruit!

about family

8/26/2002: 2 of 5
1. family phone calls and update: all right. family called yesterday and today. Rama 1st. spoke to her, Aboudi and Tala. all seems well. they're in Dubai! looking for schools. kids excited. Rama anxious but optimistic. Allah ya'eenha... [God help her]. OMZ called. he's all right. in his books. in the rap-thing, too. he's looking to pursue both. gotta love him! Allah yuwafiqah... [God grant him success].

mama called this morning. she's well. back in Damas. claims that Istanbul is the prettiest city on earth. has permission [from the security office] to renovate the new apartment she has in the city, not far from the foreign ministry. she's thinking about coming here again. why not?! Allah y'tawwil 3umrha... [God give her long life].

water is hot... gonna bathe! i'll be back...

cycle of adjustment

8/7/2002:

Cycle of Adjustment

1. Intro & "Disclaimer"
2. Goals & Objectives
3. Processing (anecdotes, experiences, stories)
4. the Cycle of Adjustment...
5. Coping Strategies
6. Q & A

...had this [training] session at Ma Flo's in Santa, like last year. much the same format. presented the cycle, quotes, personal anecdotes, etc. it went well. PCTs [peace corps trainees] vented, asked questions, listened. nice. glad we did it.

i listened to fellow PCVs talk about going home and got lost in my head. thinking, with what i have to admit was some regret and doubt, "why didn't i go home?" all is well, though... i'll get back there soon enough, insha'Allah.

i just want to say that i miss home. i miss family. that's OK to think/say, no? i hope so.

the road less traveled?

also 7/22/2002:
bought an MTN mobile SIM card. great reception throughout the house. spoke to Rama. waiting on mama to call. she sent me this Robert Frost poem, along with the big package i got in Babadjou.

Rama says mama's been on this spiritual/poetic/oratory kick. i don't mind. the poem was nice. i like it. always have. seems all the more relevant now. the road less traveled...

go in search of your people

7/19/2002:



Go in search of Your People:
Love Them;
Learn from Them;
Serve Them;
Begin with what They have;
Build on what They know.

But of the best leaders
when their task is
accomplished,
their work is done,
The People all remark;
"We have done it Ourselves."

-Lao Tzu?



the wise words above are from a book [David Werner's "Helping Health Workers Learn"] that Traci used to end her training session today. her session with Mike. went well. funny–no, interesting that we, as volunteers, do truly take a vested interest in the concept of development; studying and discussing it, as well as working in it.

i'm listening to Youssou N'Dour. famous Senegalese singer. done a lot of work with international artists like Sting, Wyclef, etc. "How Come?" good stuff, West African music. i asked Sandy earlier today on the phone if she fell in love with West Africa? of course. me, too. was she down about coming back? of course. me, too. is she staying [here in Cameroon]? of course. i miss Sandy.

talked to Rama. all is well, relatively well at home. all is well with me, too. i should be happy. i am. tired, but smiling toujours.

back in Babadjou

7/9/2002:
in Babadjou. got a "guest room" at the staff house by ADP [the local bar/restaurant]. good to be back here... stepped out to get bread and couldn't stop smiling. WOW!... 1 year. back in Babadjou.

talked to Jean for a little. just he and Pa Simon [peace corps drivers] here. Francois, Michelle and Jeane [peace corps trainers] upstairs. PCT's [peace corps trainees] at home... in bed?

finally got my package. a lot of music from OMZ. including his 2 singles with T. kinda cool... though i can't here it well. he's got a smooth/funky style. kinda funny... Omar Curly rapping!

by the way...

• that to do list in Bamenda... came close. close enough. will do more later.
• and the ups and downs "roller-coast" on.

a little less than happy

7/8/2002:

-in the slum and down in the dumps, again...
-in bamenda and a little less than happy, still.

...all is well, though. riding this roller coaster of emotions. it will end. right now, it's just tough being alone. i'm in need of people. a presence. friends. family... i guess that's what i'm longing for. i'm dreaming of home. WHY? WHO?

anywho... i've got work to do. got into town late and the previous page [previous post] of "to dos" remains, more or less, undone. so... b/w tonight and tomorrow morning – b/c i need to get to training in Babadjou by afternoon... let's get to it!

i am here

7/6/2002:
at Symbol park [the bush-taxi station]. just did email. wrote to Sue [my old boss], OMZ and Rama. all LONG emails. Mike and Nick showed up at the [volunteer] house this morning. before i left. good to see them both. they're who i need to be around. positive and on. always.

training will be good. kristen echoed that. she was talking to her mom last night... told her i was missing home, stressing about being here. but that she – i.e. kristen – knew i'd be here for another year. INSHA'ALLAH!

i miss home.
i love my family.
they love me...
and miss me, too.
but right now, i'm here.
i am here.

problems seem smaller

 
7/6/2002:
in bamenda. 2 nights in a row in the same bed... a recent record! haven't done that or eaten more than one meal a day for the past week or so. all this traveling!

in other news... spoke to family last night. Rama and the kids are moving to Dubai. which came as a surprise. a little sad. talking to OMZ made me lighter, though. he cracked me up. he's doing well.

kristen is here... good to see/talk to her. both b/c it's her and b/c i really need someone to vent to. about a lot of things. she's going home, of course... i'm not. not right now. not for another year, insha'Allah. things i want to do here.

kristen and i also spoke about EE in Limbe... b/w the botanic garden and the WLC there are legitimate and exciting volunteer opportunities. will see if we can help get them connect to PC.

thank God kristen was here! and that i talked to OMZ, mama and rama... they all helped me put my problems in check. funny how problems seem smaller when you just tell someone.

need to go to Wum. back here in Bamenda by Monday. then off to training in Babadjou.

peace
love
smiles :)
mohamad

'old school'

7/1/2002:
i was thinking about school earlier today... found reflecting on what i did & didn't like insightful. i chose to take classes i enjoyed. that was good. the reading was stimulating/interesting/relevant and, sometimes, the various fields of study overlapped or reinforced each other. that was great.

i did not like the deadlines. the large classes. the burdensome loads. i'd rather have the time/effort to focus on 3-4 courses, in depth/breadth. to discuss with a professor and/or colleagues on the various topics. to have an advisor guide me, personally, through my studies.

i want to enjoy learning... not rush through requirements. or courses i'm totally uninterested in, with no relevancy to me. i suppose i'm interested in a more traditional education... "old school," if you will. now i know. you live and learn.

DGT

6/29/2002:
wrote an old friend an email today. we updated each other on future plans... grad school, basically. i went off about "sitting down to talk" about things. something about reflecting on the past, without regret, but for insight into what we should be doing / going to do.

a sense of regret, doubtless, brings about this vague sense of duty... what we should have been doing with our time/money/efforts. i guess that's what time alone here does. reflecting on what we did with what we had and what people here couldn't dream of.

and we'll be asked about all that... so maybe we should ask ourselves 1st. we've got a lot to talk about. many of us. a lot we could/should do. will do, insha'Allah.

grad school

5/22/2002:
Graduate School Info:

Yale: School of Forestry and Environmental Studies
MESC/MEM in:
-conservation science and policy
-ecosystem science and management
-social ecology and community development
-joint degree in international relations
emily.mcdiarmid@yale.edu, fesinfo@yale.edu

American University: School of International Service
-MA in international development
-MS in development management
-w/specializations in environmental policy
idpsis@american.edu

University of Arizona: ?

bball monster

 

5/19/2002:
sports on the VOA this morning... didn't realize that 1 year here translated into the NBA playoffs being in full swing back home. actually well past that, and into conference finals...

in the west: Lakers vs. Kings
in the east: Nets vs. Celtics

wow... Boudi [my nephew] must be glued to the TV and computer screen, driving Rama [my sister] crazy with superfluous stats: offensive rebounds, assist to turnover ratios and bench scoring :)

Syrian sweet

5/10/2002:
had a thought yesterday while enjoying one of those Syrian sweets moms sent. what i miss most... what i savor most here is Arabic food. took it for granted as something always available. always around. even in the States. its absence here i'm not so aware of until i taste some.

i shake my head in disbelief. i smile wide and savor it. it's not just about food. also about culture. how, back home, i took for granted that i have a dual culture. all the Arabic food i ate (and culture i partake in beyond food) was/is inextricably woven into an American context.

*this topic [being bicultural] still confuses me... hard to articulate my thoughts*

i want to say that Arabic food is sweet. the music speaks to me. in the language i find "rootedness." i have no fear of my American identity slipping away... it's there. it's my Arab identity that i worry about.

and every time i taste a bit of our food i'm reminded of this. i'm overjoyed and worried at the same time. i love this. i am this.

and all of 'this' started with a Syrian sweet.

rude awakening

4/15/2002:
April 15th... sent my tax stuff in to Rama today. too bad it’ll get there like a month from now. anywho... just a quick entry here. more or less back in the swing of things at post. still a little restless, yes. sat and chatted with Maggie this afternoon. good to have a post-mate. nice to have Maggie here.

i haven’t been here in what seems a LONG time... everyone tells me that. and it has been a month, more or less. like i said, it’s got me restless. gotta settle down and let some moss grow, as Maggie so adequately put it.

had a strange dream – not even a dream – this afternoon. woke up from my nap confused and unsettled. looked around and thought to myself “where am i? this isn’t my house (i.e. my house back in the states)! why am i still here?” Lord... what a rude awakening. REALITY CHECK!

need to shitdown fayn fo’ dis place small [sit or settle down in this place for some time]... wussai my peace & freedom dey? :)

why am i not there?

4/14/2002:
LONG day yesterday. can i call it empty? took me 11 hours to get here to Bamenda from Yaounde. took Binam [a bus company] to Baffousam. Mazi [another bus company] to Bamenda. waited long at Yaounde. longer on the road. "patience" [also the name of a bus company]... although i didn’t take them, got me through it.

realized at one point that i could’ve gotten to Florida or Michigan if i was home [in Washington, DC] and traveling for 11 hours. interesting thought. interesting to think just how patient i’ve gotten. with all the waiting. the arguing. the squeezing. bumping. smelling. stopping, again and again. and, yesterday, even the roaches crawling up my legs.

spoke to Rama outside Baffousam. she’s well. working hard again. the company is going out of business. she’s trying to salvage their clients and start a start-up. again. asked her why?... thought she had issues with work and not being with the kids. but work is a must, i guess... “a woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do.”

she and Omar were gonna sit down and have a heart to heart. about school. that’s also hard. school, that is. i sent him an email for support. asked him to listen to Rama. why am i not there? yeah... i know, because i’m here.

but in so many ways, i need to be there. not huge ways. but the subtle ways, like talking to Rama/Omar/the kids. i should be there. i’m here for me. i should be there for them AND, in turn, for me. because they are me. again why am i not there? not going to ask the other question...

an american abroad

feels good. it is good. at least for the moment. to be an american, that is. to be an american abroad today. an american in "the muslim world," for that matter.

i spent much of my two years as a peace corps volunteer coming to terms with my american identity, among other things... i also spent a good deal of that time wondering why my government was making it so difficult for me to be an american abroad. especially in "the muslim world."

all that is on hold for a moment... i pray it'll be more than just a passing moment. of hope and change. for those of us abroad. and those of us in america. after all... we, too, sing america.

praised. seeker of the subtle. purveyor of patchwork.

lessons from my father

3/9/2002 again:
women
hard work
transparency

work, women and what we won’t do in public. things my father never told me about. well, not in so many words. what i’m trying to say is that my father didn’t exactly sit me down and talk to me about such things. he didn’t have aphorisms or proverbs – words to live by – to pass on. his actions spoke many a word and much louder even.

on a few occasions however – in those teachable moments – he’d turn to me and share a thought or two. he’d tell me i was in the wrong and why. or he’d be speaking to others but i’d hear. and all this time – the time that’s passed – i didn’t realize i was listening.

i listened to my father talk about hard work. work ethic. that some are blessed with talent. a gift to play or write or perform. and that some – although not many see it in that light – are blessed with the ability to work hard. work ethic. he was blessed with that. my father.

i listened to my father talk about respecting women. not slandering women. not judging women. not making woman feel uncomfortable. he respected women. my father.

i listened to my father talk about being frank. open. honest. about having the confidence and integrity not to scheme. if you can’t do something in public (in view of people) don’t do it in private (behind their backs). he didn’t do things behind people’s backs. he didn’t scheme. he was decent. open. honest. my father.

those are the things my father never told me about. those are the things my father talked about. and was about. i listened. i saw. i didn’t know. but now i know.

hip hop home

still 3/5/2002:

“Don’t Touch That Dial!”
DJ Marley Marl on the BBC World Service!

...hip-hop (serious stuff) on the BBC. all too random but truly welcome. little piece of home... wonder who else is feeling that out here?