can i keep this up?

9/17/2002:
it's about 9:30pm. been sleeping around 10pm recently. got this routine going... hope to keep it up:

• 10pm-5am – sleep
• 5am-6am – fajr/run/workout
• 6am-8am – wash/eat/relax
• 8am-1-3pm – school/dhur/eat
• 3pm-6pm – siesta/'asr/reading/guests
• 6pm-8pm – mosque (for maghrib & 'isha)/dinner
• 8pm-10pm – work/letters/write

so... that's how it looks. again, i pray i can keep it up. been walking to school recently... can i keep that up? not talking to Temikum... can i keep that up? school's still a mess of sorts: no time-table, few students, fewer teachers, the seminar???, non-cooperation within Admin... can we keep that up?

road [to Wum] is still bad (Maggie spent 8 hours on it today... Dorothy [Paul's fiancée, now wife] slept on the way hier [yesterday])... can they keep that up? ...can i keep this up? no.

i need non-lubricated condoms for our demonstration. i need to work out how/what to do for it (if, indeed, it will be held on Thursday). i need to write in my Peace & Freedom journal. and i need to sleep.

american democracy

5/15/2002:

"you got a problem with democracy?!"

response of the Cuban-American lobby [not sure which organization] representative to a BBC journalist's question about the lobby's (undue) influence on and driving of American foreign policy vis-a-vis Cuba.

awkward silence followed... then a tenuous chuckle from the British man. he and i probably both thinking "Lord! what a typically American response." why should the rich and powerful in one country be permitted to –

i won't finish the thought... not thinking clearly.

rude awakening

4/15/2002:
April 15th... sent my tax stuff in to Rama today. too bad it’ll get there like a month from now. anywho... just a quick entry here. more or less back in the swing of things at post. still a little restless, yes. sat and chatted with Maggie this afternoon. good to have a post-mate. nice to have Maggie here.

i haven’t been here in what seems a LONG time... everyone tells me that. and it has been a month, more or less. like i said, it’s got me restless. gotta settle down and let some moss grow, as Maggie so adequately put it.

had a strange dream – not even a dream – this afternoon. woke up from my nap confused and unsettled. looked around and thought to myself “where am i? this isn’t my house (i.e. my house back in the states)! why am i still here?” Lord... what a rude awakening. REALITY CHECK!

need to shitdown fayn fo’ dis place small [sit or settle down in this place for some time]... wussai my peace & freedom dey? :)

1st page, 3rd book

as the title indicates, this is the first page of my third journal in cameroon.

i got into the habit of 'illuminating' (so to speak) the first pages of my journals. a way of breaking them in. making them mine. think of it as an intention in graphics... the words are my intentions, that is. the graphics are embellishments.

what does this page say? #3 fo' cameroon... with the figure 'thalatha' (3 in eastern arabic numerals) prominently there in the middle... my own peace & freedom through my own personal journal...

that's it.

peaceful people, beautiful place

3/2/2002:
just after maghrib [sunset] at Muhammadu’s place. BIG compound. small village, really. good people. a lot of people. peaceful people. beautiful place. stereo-typically Africa. imagine spending stage [training] in a place like this. with a family like this. would love that. guess that’s why i’m here now. spending the night... peace and freedom.

the prophet

and his soul cried out to them, and he said:
sons of my ancient mother, you riders of the tides,
how often have you sailed in my dreams.

and now you come in my awakening, which is my deeper dream.
ready am i to go, and my eagerness with sails full set awaits the wind.

only another breath will i breathe in this still air, only another loving look cast backward,
and then i shall stand among you, a seafarer among seafarers.

and you, vast sea, sleepless mother,
who alone are PEACE & FREEDOM to the river and the stream,
only another winding will this stream make, only another murmur in this glade,
and then shall i come to you, a boundless drop to a boundless ocean.

-Khalil Gibran, The Prophet (1923)

aho!
Mohamad
10/5/2002
Wum

walking in wum

OK... so it’s been 2 weeks without Peace and Freedom. the formal session, that is. i’ve been procrastinating with starting this journal. i’ve been in Wum for almost a full week. it’s nice here. i like it here. the drive “up” from Bamenda was gorgeous. i say “up” but it may well have been down, geographically speaking. into Menchum Valley. Kay and Adam came along for the ride. we stopped at Menchum Falls. a spectacular site.

back to Wum. it’s small. not too small. decent market. post office. several schools. a mosque! very excited about that. there are many muslims here. many from the North. some from Nigeria. i guess they’re really all the same people [i.e. tribe] regardless of the border b/w the 2 nations. generally speaking, the people in Wum are very kind. nothing but “you are welcome here” and “we are together” all around.

my house is big. 3 bedrooms. electricity and running water. it’s actually much too big for me. there’s another apartment next door. the building is a duplex, so to speak. now, either my vice principal will be living there or, as rumor has it, another PCV. yup, there may be an Agro-forester here in Wum come early next year. that would be something!

enough about Wum. about me... like i said, i’m happy here. i guess i can say i can see myself being happy here for 2 years. no problem. i hesitate though b/c i know that those lows come right after you say something like that. but, seriously, all is well. it’s early, i know.

today i took a stroll through Wum. just promenading, if you will. found myself up on top of a hill where the Baptist Church stands. great spot. amazing view. of Wum and the surrounding landscape. it was late afternoon and the sun was out but not hot. there was a soft breeze. enough to make the trees sway and leaves rustle... i love that.

i walked back through town and the streets were calm and quiet. people around, but not many. there was music, too. for the 1st time in a long time i’ve felt extremely at peace and serene here where i am. i’ve had a couple of those moments here in Wum. maybe it’s the place. the environment. maybe it’s finally being out of training and having time to think and reflect. time to take a stroll through the town and just relax.

whatever it is, i’m down with it. totally. again, it’s still early. things may get busy with school starting. even hectic at times. i’ll just try to remember to relax. be patient. with myself as well as others. and find / go to more of my “happy places.” like that spot on top of the hill by the Baptist Church.

aho!
Mohamad
9/4/2001
Wum

PFJ?

PFJ = Peace and Freedom Journal. i mentioned these 'traveling' journals when i first described the sessions our training group started to hold in Babadjou during stage. after we left to our respective posts we couldn't meet every tuesday night, like we did in training. so we decided we'd share thoughts in our journals and then exchange journals every time we met.

i've been wondering how to incorporate these into the flow and timeline of my own journal entries, now at January 2nd, 2002... as you can see in the post below, the PFJ entries start back at September 4th, 2001. so i took the opportunity of answering my own rhetorical question (wussai peace and freedom dey?) to start from the beginning.

think of it as a flashback... then a flash-forward! a story within a story, if you will. there are about 35 entries in my PFJ that i'd like to share, from 9/4/2001 through 11/12/2002. all my own, b/c i won't be posting the entries my fellow volunteers shared in my journal (about the same number as i have) when it was in their possession.

finally, i've got a few more journal entries out there in PFJs that are no longer in my possession... my stage-mates' PFJs, that is. perhaps we'll all get together and talk (or blog) about it one day. another peace and freedom session. aho!

peace & freedom, the title

a word or two about the title of our little therapy session, as i often [endearingly] described it in the early days. at 1st, i couldn’t stand the name, "Peace and Freedom." it felt kinda cheesy. a little corny and melodramatic, i guess.

it wasn’t until i heard the phrase used in a sentence that i understood. “...for your own peace and freedom.” ahhh! i get it now. for my own peace and freedom. that’s where it comes from. i believe Robert is the 1st person i heard use it in context. then Kristen.

needless to say the title grew on me. fast. Peace and Freedom. it’s got a ring to it now. they mean so much, too. those 2 words. they mean peace and freedom in the most profound, inner sense. my own peace and freedom. our own peace and freedom.

Mohamad
9/4/2001
Wum

wussai peace & freedom dey?

 
1/2/2002: continued...
anywho... today’s been a busy day at Chez Chakaki. our 1st guests were the kids for the drawing lessons. then (2nd) Ali-Festus [from Heifer International] and i sat and talked plants for a bit. Gilbert the carpenter (3rd) came to install a few things and take a few things... mama's been putting him to work! then (4th) the guys from Upkwa (Mu’aath, Ali, Adam, Abubakr and Sule) came for lunch.

before the meal was over (5th), Justine and the HM [Head Mistress] of the Nursery School had joined us. how mama pulled off that magical meal, i don't know! now (6th) Apollo the plumber is in the bathroom installing the shower... and breaking more than a few tiles, too. Oh!... and (7th) Paul and his siblings ducked in for a second or 2 to bid adieu to mama before they left.

mama is at my principal’s house now (8th). that’s the reason Justine came here in the 1st place. to tell us that the principal is leaving tomorrow. i didn’t go on account of waiting for Apollo and Gilbert. don’t know if Gilbert will show and Apollo is doing more harm than good at the moment.

i was supposed to clean up after our midday meal, but Apollo had to cut the water... so the place is just a mess. kitchen, bathroom, living room and bedrooms. guess we’ll be cleaning up tonight. but if Gilbert doesn’t show and i know Apollo won’t be finished...

Omaru and his mom are coming to visit tomorrow (9th). the HM of the Nursery School wants to pass by again (10th)... Friday morning we clean the mosque, prayer, then Akimje’s place (11th). not to mention having to pass and greet Kenneth (12th). and finally, leaving at 5am Saturday morning. Lord! wussai my Peace & Freedom dey? [where is my Peace & Freedom?]

limbe peace & freedom

12/18/2001:
Omar’s birthday today! wrote him a letter. i’d like him to come here. Limbe has relaly changed my outlook on Cameroon. realized how much i took the country for granted and how much i have to be grateful for. down here, up North and in Wum. i want people to visit. omar and a friend or two... still, i know, it’s intense. but if mama can do it, they can too.

...we just did Peace and Freedom here. at the Hotspot. amazing how quickly we jumped back into it. like old friends, it takes no time at all to realign, so to speak. it’s a beautiful thing, Peace and Freedom. how comfortable and free we are with our emotions. how open and receptive we are to each other. no judgments. just listen. empathize. understand. support with a presence... even when apart.

the bond there is so strong... and amazing in such a diverse group. a testament to how open-minded we were and continue to be. i think that keeps many of us here. me included. i love my stage... people i know i’ll never forget. good people. people i love for who they are inside. no judgments. on my part or theirs. acceptance. affection. sincerity. it’s beautiful.

words

9/8/2001:
there’s this essay in the World Wise Schools (WWS) Handbook entitled Better Remember This. by an RPCV from Kenya. it’s beautiful and inspiring. there are many great essays in the handbook. PCVs seems to have a way with words. indeed, the last essay in the book is about words and it ends thus: “speak to clear your throat of all the stories welling up inside. speak for the sake of peace. keep the conversation alive.”

i’m uplifted by the stories. the shared experiences put in such eloquent words. at the same time, they make me want to stay here and do good but also to go elsewhere (the North or Morocco) and feel more at home. i’m not sure if that last part is accurate. i’m not sure if i’d feel more at home in either of those places. i imagine the longing for more familiar places and people is a typical step in this adjustment cycle.

it’s confused for me though. i don’t’ want to go home. i want to go to a place like Morocco. but who says that’ll make it better? or prefect. and maybe, like my recruiter said, i should stop trying to make it perfect and just let it be. and yet part of me is already writing hypothetical letters to Peace Corps Morocco and talking to our CD about the feasibility of it all. patience Muhammad. patience. don’t try to make it perfect. just let it be. and if it won't, then see what you can do. and we’ll see...

...this went into my Peace and Freedom journal. it should’ve been written in there in the first place. the WWS Handbook also made me want to write to my brother Omar. to tell him about the strange dream i had last night. the 2 big ugly fish i caught in my room. how i was scrambling to find something to knock them over the head with. the small rolling pin i found in his room that just wouldn’t do the trick. or maybe it was my futile efforts that were the problem???

and that vivid image of the fish flopping around on his bedroom floor gasping for air—or, more accurately, gasping in air. that noise of their wet, slimy flesh flopping around on his floor like wet flip-flops. or rain drops. wait! i’m up. it was/is raindrops. it’s been raining all night and the sound of water coming off the roof and splashing down into the mud filtered into my dream. oh... and that reminds me, i forgot to take my mefloquine yesterday. huh...

organized brain

9/2/2001:
i’ve been putting off writing in—no, more like starting—my Peace and Freedom journal for some time now. the procrastinator or perfectionist in me??? alas... there’s always that proverbial “tomorrow.”

anyhow... i left the house once today. Sundays are still slow as ever here. i went out to buy bread and bananas. came back with eggs, too. not a totally useless day though. i read all morning. washed clothes all afternoon. and organized my room a little.

no longer living out of my bags. clothes are neatly folded and in piles on the floor. over plastic bags, of course. need to delve into that trunk now and get some of the things in there arranged, too.

you know... that’s an all too uncanny metaphor for my brain. the trunk, that is. full of things yet not always in an organized, efficient, or easily accessible manner. nice! :P (i guess that means “tongue-in-cheek.” it’s been in so many of my letters lately.)

lights aren’t back on yet. funny. need to go to SONEL [info on the then recently American acquired utility company: from AES Corporate or Business Wire or the IFC] tomorrow to get this meter thing worked out. i’m out of electricity before even officially having electricity.

tomorrow Madame Laisin (that’s the Principal’s name) and i do protocol, i think??? never really set a time for it. seeing as i never really left the house today.

never let go

8/21/2001:
another Tuesday night in Babadjou, but the last Peace and Freedom for a little bit. i went 1st and said only a few words. but then i was inspired (by what people said and read) to read the poem mama sent. in Arabic then a translation. i’m glad i shared. Greg explained his idea on continuing Peace and Freedom in written form. i think it’ll work. well.

we’re all to procure books and begin to write in them. anything. share experiences. write quotes. draw and/or paste pictures. whatever. just genuine. then, whenever we meet another stage-mate we exchange books and go on writing all the same. the books will be exchanged over and over... so everyone will have a chance to write in many of the books with or without getting their own books back. at COS (close of service) though, you get your book back. along the way you share and read, read and share experiences and we continue learning and growing from and with one another. wonderful! i love my stage.

Robert said something that i tried hard to remember today in his Peace and Freedom. something a friend wrote to him recently: “it must’ve been very hard for you to leave to Africa, but i didn’t see it.” indeed, how can you put such a myriad of emotions into words when whenever you try there’s a lump in your throat and tears in your eye? you swallow your emotions and hold back your tears as much as you can. on the outside you look stalwart. on the inside you’re crying out to be hugged, loved and never let go of.

that’s how i felt before leaving. now i’m here. glad i am though. in many ways glad i left, too. b/c i have a feeling that when i get back i’ll have a little better idea of how to express my emotions; how to cry, how to say i love you and how to ask to be hugged... and never let go.

fond, familiar and friendly...

8/15/2001:
“...those are really the two main reasons i came to Africa; peace and freedom.” -Kay

1 more “Peace & Freedom” before IST. the name of our session grows on me more and more throughout training. Kay’s quote was great. her testimony, too. about being so close to us yet not really telling us about her real self. what she was like at home.

but what is your real self? i think we’re all still finding that out about ourselves. and that’s a BIG reason why we’re here.

Don Williams, Kenny Rogers and West Virginia!... never thought things so typically American would remind me of “home!” i’m truly finding out what home is here. the fond, familiar and friendly... country music and Wild, Wonderful!

i am, in so many ways, an American. yet in so many others i’m not. and “the fond, familiar and friendly” can be anywhere. maybe here, too??? insha’Allah.

old blue eyes and lush green hills

8/10/2001:
i didn’t give my cross-cultural presentation today. we split up... most today, some Tuesday. me, Tuesday. did finish the write-up though. need to get it checked for content and translated with the help of our language trainers, Francois and Diarou.

Greg gave a great presentation on pets. very funny! Kristen’s on women and childbirth was great, too. she does everything well. we’re all sitting here in the back room of the bar in Babadjou. will be one of the last weekends we’ve got together. just a couple more Peace & Freedoms in this room.

on the ride back from the summer school in Santa we were listening to Frank Sinatra... surreal being moved by that and yet looking out onto the verdant hills and valleys of the Northwest province.

thought about my house to be and creating a garden around it. flowers and flowers... some veggie plots. probably b/c Rob’s presentation was about crops grown here in our area. i really need to get back into the field and among plants again.

the closest points to epiphanies i’ve gotten have been in the pee-shack at the summer school in among the maize. probably b/c i'm alone, the plants all around, quiet, and swaying in the wind. epiphanies at the pee-shack... what to say???

keep wondering when an epiphany will finally come. probably should stop looking for one. they will come in time. anywho... just want to get somewhere, feel comfortable, and be content about being there... and i’m sure plants will have much to do with that.

grading quizzes... missing babadjou

7/24/2001:
it’s late and i just finished grading 60-some odd quizzes for Form II Bio. ahhh... Lord.

i keep going a week b/w entries. we had another Peace & Freedom tonight... in the car port of the staff house because the back room at the restaurant/bar was occupied. went well anywho... intimate space but not private. if that’s possible. we spoke of being overwhelmed, frustrated and pressed for time... how American of us! “so much to do, so little time.”

Form II (about 12-13 year olds) was a little rough today... our lead tech trainer was watching. not very much help in terms of constructive criticism. don’t know what to say??? i’ve got issues with pace and board work... as always. no discomfort up there at all... just a little unfocused, i think.

i miss slow Saturdays here in Babdjou. i may even miss Babadjou when we leave. and i surely will miss all my fellow trainees and friends. no matter, though... “we are together.”

my other side...

 
7/10/2001:
just got back from Peace & Freedom. i was nervous about what i wanted to talk about... the “other” side of me that’s feeling closeted here. let me clarify:

i've been overwhelmed by all that i've been feeling and thinking about for the past few weeks. about the fear of losing touch with the culture that’s more or less been placed on the back burner here, if you will. partly my fault. partly a desire to adjust and identify with my colleagues. partly the reality that i’m not in Muslim country, right-here / right-now. and that there isn't anyone here who can identify with that part of me.

i brought up my anxiety at Peace & Freedom. hadn’t really thought about it, so i rambled... not like me to share spontaneously like that. people were concerned. it was comforting to get support and empathy from everyone... whatever each respective individual could offer. all was appreciated. Greg especially... he can articulate emotions so eloquently. it sounds so clear and simple when he says it.

generally speaking, so many of us are going through the same emotional process: ups and downs, missing family and friends, feeling alone and misunderstood, struggling for motivation in hardship, etc. i admire these people so much. for their courage, fortitude and determination... just plain stubborn sometimes.

but a few of us have broken-down during Peace & Freedom, talking about all of this. someone said they felt like they were “killing themselves” b/c of how stubborn they were being. i can see how that's worrying especially when it comes to health. i've just been having digestive issues, but a couple of us have had more serious ailments.

i thanked Greg for sharing his experience last week and on other occasions. his description of the troubles i was feeling and how he handled it kept me going and helped me cope many a time. overall, there was a lot to say today... emotional, somber, yet somehow open-minded and hopeful. many more questions raised than answered, though... what to say?

highs and lows

6/26/2001:
we had another Peace & Freedom session this afternoon/evening. still not sure how i feel about that name. jacob read a great letter from his father. greg shared a few very eloquent thoughts about all the highs and lows he’s going through... all of us, really.

he reminded us that we knew this would be the case. that this would be tough. that’s how we’d change or know more about ourselves. and without the lows where are the highs? they always come as a pair... and they never seem that far apart, for better or for worse.

i need to start appreciating that. i need to start dealing with the lows in that sense. like right now, i have incredible gas. here we go again...

we are together

6/19/2001:
after school we all got together at the bar/restaurant by the peace corps staff house. we used the back room. robert kinda moderated a discussion group called Peace & Freedom. talk about anything and it all stays in the room. not so much as secrets – an opportunity to know “things” about other people – but to vent and share in whatever positive or negative feelings you have.

all-in-all it was fruitful. in regards to both de-stressing and brining us even closer together. it was more organic than structured. more free-flowing than formal. which was good. b/c i think it'll evolve into something. we talked about emotional roller-coasters, thinking about home and going back, family, significant others, coping with culture-shock... or lack thereof. coping, that is.

i said something about not wanting to think about home or things i dislike here... just not wanting to go there. jacob’s response was a metaphor about holding sand; the tighter you squeeze, the more you lose. just let it be. if the thought comes up, have it. deal with it.

we also talked about epiphanies... how we don’t have them. and if we do, they’re fleeting... as ludwig said, usually interrupted by someone blowing their nose on your shirt or shitting on your leg (both have happened!). Kay ended the session by reading a piece from oriah mountain dreamer, the Invitation. quite poignant. i think i’ll bring something to read next time.

Nous sommes ensamble, is how the cameroonian expression goes here. we are together.