i passed the devil on the street today

11/11/2002:
i saw the devil walking down the street today. staggering a bit. visibly drunk.

he saw me, too. and for a brief moment, when our eyes met, i think both of us thought of saying something. but then quickly thought better of it.

there was really nothing to say, both of us knowing ourselves and the other person all too well. but we almost spoke.

in fact, he was so close to speaking that he caught himself only just in time to raise his hand, turn his face and say "oh no, i shouldn't talk to you."

somehow, i wasn't surprised. i suppose i agreed with his conclusion. and so went on my way.

now, i think of the encounter and chuckle. amusing. funny little encounter there in the middle of town, in broad daylight.

i passed the devil on the street today. he was so drunk he thought better of saying anything.

not writing well

11/10/2002:
i haven't been writing well lately... lack of focus???

saved by hope

11/9/2002:

"Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore we must be saved by hope."

-Reinhold Niebuhr

...a quote from CD Strauss' swearing-in speech in Dschang, 2002. that is what this - us being here, the peace corps - is about, isn't it? hope. for the future. what we ought to be working for.

he said he was asked why peace corps cameroon is still here after 40 years. the quote answers that. 40 years is short. not in our lifetime is anything worth doing achieved.

sometime he go broke corn, give you

10/26/2002:
Ali came over yesterday. brought me names of the girls in school for the EDDI scholarships, insha'Allah. he stayed a while. there was a brief – very brief – moment when i was unsure what to talk about. i brought up the topic of the dead/dying chickens... that's all it took. 1 hour and 45 minutes later, with Ali talking and my occasional "na true - for sure - na so it be - that is it," we prayed dhuhur [midday prayer] and he left.

what did we discuss? everything! Ali was dropping knowledge. imparting wisdom. seriously. he get sense ya! and a way with words. can turn a phrase like nobody's business. pragmatic. unbiased. witty. honest/forthright. progressive. we/he talked about farmer-grazier conflicts, court-case corruption, endless/useless bribing, fulani-native relations, the Ardu [local Fulani chief] and his people, Ukpwa land issues...

Ali is open and honest. tells it like it is. he'll break down the issues but not leave it at that... he gives his opinion on solutions. what he would've done. simple but direct solutions. and i think that makes all the difference... someone who has the insight into problems but proposed solutions, as well. practical solutions. with compromise and understanding. gotta respect someone like that.

two things he said that i'm not trying to forget and thus practice, insha'Allah:

1. power is with the majority, not the leader. it is with the people. (this was in reference to going to leaders to work out farmer-grazier conflicts instead of working them out as neighbors... with the people... i think???) a wise leader follows his people as much as they follow him.
   
2. and strength is in family/community. nowhere else. a man with no family is without true allies. and often without strength.
   

let me end with a memorable quote, on the amicable solution to farmer-grazier issues based on working them out as neighbors – without involving the higher-ups. "you know, sometime he go broke corn, give you." [i.e. the farmer will share his corn with the grazier]. and that classic Ali laugh and wink.

quotes on the wall

9/23/2002:

"A bad husband is better than a good boyfriend."

"If women were faithful God would have had one."

...quotes on the wall in Candlelight Association documentation [copy center]. talking to Mr. Ngwa about them. about taking them down. the 1st one really got Maggie's goat. both annoy me. gotta convince him first, i guess. otherwise taking them down just because we said so doesn't make a difference. does it?

the journey owns you

9/18/2002:

"Before you get started, you own the journey.
After you start, the journey owns you."
-Malidoma Somé

becoming old

9/15/2002:

"...knowing means becoming old."

-Malidoma Somé

...so [my] gray hair comes from experience/wisdom, not age?

blank pages...

9/3/2002:
blank pages [in this new journal]. got that recycled quality to them. tough writing on them with pencils. anywho... i pray i can fill the pages with:

thoughts/memories/experiences
enriching/enlightening/inspiring
WORDS...
how they move us
i can't wait to move them.

i've been much guested [visited] recently. Saidu just left yesterday. Mira says she'll be coming tomorrow. the weekend w/Saidu was pleasant. a decent fellow. spoke a lot of French with him. so much that it confused my English... French came out when i wanted to say something in English, Pidgin and (on one occasion when Yusuf and Adam were here) even Arabic. too many languages. confused. WORDS!

ahhh, this paper... ça marche [will it work]??? no choice right now... that i've begun.

Midnight's Children

9/2/2002:
"Love, my child, is a thing that every mother learns; it is not born with a baby, but made."
(Amina Sinai to her "son" Saleem, from Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children)

let me write. i haven't been lately. at least things i keep telling myself to. perhaps b/c this journal is coming to an end. i like this journal. anyway... all good things... AND the end of one thing signals the start of another. but let me write.

i've been reading Midnight's Children. good book. have i written about it yet? Rushdie has quite a style: rich vocab, colorful language, vivid imagery, imaginative character development... and a wonderfully intricate plot to tie it all together. reminds me of The God of Small Things [or is it the other way around?]... a lot. still, Rushdie is pompous. i'm probably biased. the vocab and the references... all over the place. he's obviously well-read, and he flaunts it. but i suppose he can't be blamed for that.

there are a couple of references to religion/faith/Islam. with his characters reflecting that same doubt in the religion that they were raised in. unsure of what is a worse fate, to believe in God or not to believe. culturally Muslim, intellectually agnostic... i should say culturally Indian. b/c Rushdie refers to both Hindu and Muslim myth/history as equally as each other. anyway... i hope to finish this book before school commences, insah'Allah.

you're the PCV!

8/22/2002:
look, listen, speak and do... you pick the order, you're the PCV!

in my head...

6/17/2002:

I AM ALWAYS IN MY HEAD!

the goddess

6/13/2002:

"worship the goddess in rose petal garden. drunk when, bitter after."

after the last sky...

 

6/12/2002:
The Earth is closing on us
pushing us through the last passage
and we tear off our limbs to pass through.
The Earth is squeezing us.
I wish we were its wheat
so we could die and live again.
I wish the Earth was our mother
so she'd be kind to us.

I wish we were pictures on the rocks
for our dreams to carry as mirrors.
We saw the faces of those who will throw
our children out of the window of this last space.
Our star will hang up mirrors.
Where should we go after the last frontiers?
Where should the birds fly after the last sky?
Where should the plants sleep after the last breath of air?
We will write our names with scarlet steam.
We will cut off the hand of the song to be finished by our flesh.
We will die here, here in the last passage.
Here and here our blood will plant its olive tree.

Mahmoud Darwish, The Earth Is Closing on Us, translated by Abdullah al-Udhari, in Victims of a Map (London: al-Saqi Books, 1984), p. 13.


[note: i'm pretty sure i read and transcribed this poem from Salman Rushdie's Step Across This Line, as i was reading it in Kayes, but i could be wrong. in any event, the poem and citation above are from Mehbooba Poems & Poetry.]

fail better

6/12/2002:

"Ever tried. Ever failed. Never mind. Try again. Fail better."

-Samuel Beckett

'my graduation speech'

6/10/2002:
i think in spanish
i write in english

i want to go back to puerto rico,
but i wonder if my kink could live
in ponce, maygüez and carolina

tengo las venas aculturdas
escribo en spanglish
abraham in español
abraham in english
tato in spanish
"taro" in english
tonto in both languages

how are you?
¿cómo estás?
i don't know if i'm coming
or si me fui ya

si me dicen barronquitas, yo reply,
"¿con qué se come eso?"
si me dicen caviar, i digo,
"a new pair of converse sneakers."

ahí supe que estory jodío
ahí supe que estamos jodíos

english or spanish
spanish or english
spanenglish
now, dig this:

hablo lo inglés matao
hablo lo español matao
no sé leer ninguno bien

so it is, spanglish to matao
what i digo

¡ay, virgen, yo no sé hablar!

Tato Laviera, Aloud: Voices from the Nuyorican Poet's Cafe.

what moves you?

what do you do when it moves through you? what do you do when creativity, passion and the need for self expression – is it really about the self? – all mix together and well up inside of you?

do you reach for a pen? to write or draw. do you clear your throat? to sing or speak. or do you dance? moving with those upwelling waves of whatever it is that moves you... what moves you?

is it the same thing(s) that move me? do you know its name? does it have a name? have you spoken with it? does it speak? or is that what we’re here for? to speak. or dance. or draw. or sing.

i’m a writer. i write.

when it moves me... i write.

the interpreters

5/16/2002:
finished reading The Interpreters [a critical study, preview] today. just now. good book. fine book. strangely, i find myself thinking "someone should make a movie out of this!" how the man [Wole Soyinka; a recent interview in MJ] wove it all together i still have not recovered from.

STRONG characters. and he puts words together in a way i didn't know one could. deep but not lofty. enigmatic but without loosing you. instead, they take you along. the pace is quick too... well past the beginning. i still cannot get over the characters. story is good. humor, drama and a great ending. powerful.

2 things... his characters and the thoughts he expresses / scenes described / pictures painted with words following each other in an uninterrupted stream that has you at once searching for the real meaning but not losing you, carrying you along. until the end.

and then... you're on your own. last word, "drowning." with water the predominant theme throughout:

• rain: the opening, flooding Noah, various scenes are wet and Sekoni's death.
• streams & rivers: Egbo's village, his secret spot, around church, along procession and Barabbas.

tag cloud, to date

insha'Allah...

i use the phrase a lot... so this is what insha'Allah means to me.

small words, big points

cinco de mayo:
third... kenneth and his wife came over last night–no, yesterday afternoon. we talked. ate burnt-corn and fried groundnuts [both burnt and fried here refer to roasting]. corn and legumes are a great combo in any combo! we played scrabble. they beat me badly... not sure about their counting technique. still, they're good. small words, big points.

don't know why it didn't occur to me to ask about hours at GBSS [govt bilingual secondary school] before. turns out they have only 2 bio teachers there. Mrs. Galaga and Tita Alex. more than 18 hours each. and, if i decide to help, i could have forms 1 & 2 bio. why didn't i ask before? anywho... next year or beyond. insha'Allah.