4 young muslim men talking about marriage

11/23/2002:
back from another long night at Buba's. we talked, prayed and talked again. the talking was about education again. girls' education. young muslim women in wum. why aren't they being educated? are their parents' perceptions of "western" education (post-primary) justified?

it turned into a far-ranging conversation on women and marriage. here are some of the questions/topics that came up:

• educated muslim women, are they too independent? is there such a thing? too opinionated? 
• what are the roles/responsibilities/rights of muslim women to their men? what of muslim men?
• how will we raise our daughters? do we want to raise our wives? [i.e. wives much younger than us]
• what kind of wives do we want? "educated" or "illiterate?" in what sense of each term, western or islamic literacy/education?

all really very interesting points that the two Bubas, Yusufu and i were discussing. each with a point of view leaning in a particular direction. me with probably the most liberal/western notion of who i want to marry and how i'd like her to be. one of the Bubas also more liberal than the other two. yet none of us saying anthing out of the norm in terms of 4 young muslim men talking about marriage.

we disagreed on most points except educating our daughters. a must. but in what sense?... some western, some islamic, and some both styles of education. again, i know that distinction is problematic. all of us understood that. 

i must say that having the conversation with these 3 other young muslim men was enlightening. as to their views on such topics and, in light of their views, my own. am i that liberal? is it the westerner in me? where is this influence from? my mother? my sisters? being around american women, muslim or otherwise?

a wide stance

11/21/2002:
some notes here. it's late. and my sleep has been off:

• had to salvage a sinking lesson, Chemistry of Life, with Year 1 at GTTC. it's tough to teach that class. only 3 students in it! i just said forget it... let me lecture. almost lost my patience. kept cool, though. some parts were tough. i had to answer my own questions. but we moved on... gotta adapt. be flexible.

• finally got my hands on that book in the Saudi fatwa series. the one with the section on the Tijani tariqa. those Wahhabis are merciless, i tell you! they seldom mention the tariqa by name without calling its people the staunchest of infidels, misguided polytheists (i.e. shirk). they say you cannot pray behind them, cannot marry from them, cannot pray on their departed, etc. while i can't deny that i still have some purist tendencies, leftover from ISA and especially on issues of shirk and the seal of prophecy, these fatwas are just too much. [see the following article, in French, on how this conflict plays out in Douala]. you can't just excommunicate people left and right. it takes much more حِلم [forbearance] than that... والله أعلم [and God knows best].

• just back from taraweeh [ramadan evening prayers] at Buba's. they got into another heated conversation after prayer. it was about this same topic / same book above. but to go back to a point from last week. i really enjoy conversing with and hearing these shabab [young men] converse. reminds me of myself and the fellas [shabab] back home. academic debates with influences from Shakespeare to Plato to the Prophet. a foot in the West, and the other in the East. a wide stance, indeed. and, these days, as these worlds seem to drift apart, it feels like we're being forced to choose which side we're on. to lift one foot off one of these worlds or risk being torn in two. but is that right? is that the only way to conceive of this?

• i had two points to make, based on these conversations with the shabab, in terms of education: 

1. come to terms with our ambivalence between "Western secular" education and "Islamic religious" studies. i feel like most educated young mulsim men our age, at one time of their lives or another, feel torn between the two. wanting both, but too often seeing them in conflict, and feeling forced to compromise one for the other. and it makes no sense. i've had friends both here and in the US tell me they want to leave "western/secular" schooling and go off to study religion... be it nigeria or saudi arabia. again, it makes no sense. what is "secular" education, anyway? which brings me to my 2nd point... 
2. come to terms with the fact that our faith does not ask us to choose between it and secular education. in fact, it questions the notion of "secular" knowledge and calls upon us to pursue knowledge in all fields. and so – for the sake of this "torn" generation, the generations to follow, and our faith itself – we need to find (or re-establish) a way to do both. to educate ourselves religiously, and for lack of a better word, "secularly." والله أعلم

we don't judge

also 10/1/2002:
mama said hello to a few people around the office. met the CD. spoke for while. about politics, of course. America. here. Mideast. i think mama pushed the "we don't judge people" and "we treat everyone equally" tip a little much.

two interesting points:

1st... we're back to worrying about volunteers in Muslim areas as attacks on Iraq may be imminent. i don't see that, at least not here. one never knows though. just look at the Ivory Coast. who would've thought?!

2nd... the CD's mother-in-law is coming to visit, and she's of Lebanese-Syrian origin. not been back since the war. he wants her to meet mama. for lunch, in yaounde, on sunday 10/20/2002. small world.

mama and i ate Indian today. at Taj Mahal. all right food. they didn't have but can make sweets, ras malai and gulab jamun. yum!

OK. tired. need sleep. we'll see how tomorrow goes. we leave for Bamenda by car on Thursday. may need to call Paul and Maggie, to assess the Bamenda-Wum road. then call Alhadji to arrange a ride with him.

goûts de culture

6/28/2002:
Mali to Memphis... a CD of malian music & blues. will tell OMZ about it. bought 4 CDs on the street today [ali farka toure, habib koite, salif keita and youssou n'dour], as well. i'd like to send copies back home.

day 2 in bamako. didn't do much. prayer. a little shopping. ate out. everything here seems lebanese owned. at least all the restaurants. like the good Tex-Mex place yesterday, with the ambiance. seems like there are so many expats here... but if i compare it to Douala, i suppose not.

hmmm... not much else to say. except maybe that i sometimes find myself getting bitter and angry (though not for long) about not being posted in Muslim West Africa. c'est dommage. it's really a shame. someone neesd to hear this...

more on muhammad

6/2/2002:
just finished reading "Muhammad" by Marting Lings. what a book!... moving. powerful. well written. exhaustively researched. diligently referenced. i was moved to tears on more than one occasion while reading.

that said, i wonder how a non-muslim would feel about the book. names and relations are confusing, even to me. polygamy, violence and the treatment of medina's jews, among other topics, are what i'd like to hear a non-muslim reaction to.

so many people have expressed an interest in reading the book. thinking about passing it on to mike to read. asking him those same questions above.

insha'Allah...

i use the phrase a lot... so this is what insha'Allah means to me.

douala

3/20/2002:
finally wrote that EE lesson plan. and finally left Yaounde. paid 9,000 cfa for my stay at the volunteer house. in Douala now. at Arona's. with Leah and Sandy. Arona is home in Gambia. wish he was here. all is good. prayed fajr [sunrise] at the mosque across the street. we're going out now. i'll be back...


...it's afternoon now. back at Arona's. bouth some stuff from the Lebanese grocer in town. did some email. walked around the market. at ice-cream at LGM. Leah was saying something about either loving or hating douala. for me... even with the heat, smells, dirt, and congestion... i like this place. it's the city feel. i miss the city.

i like the energy here. the variety of people. all doing their own thing. sooo many muslims. mostly West African. wonder how a West Afican city would be like??? wonder how it would be if i lived across the street from a mosque, in a town full of arabic speaking africans and in a place this big. wonder if i'd get lost?...

anyway... i'm fighting off what feels like an ear infection. don't know about swimming.

an american abroad

feels good. it is good. at least for the moment. to be an american, that is. to be an american abroad today. an american in "the muslim world," for that matter.

i spent much of my two years as a peace corps volunteer coming to terms with my american identity, among other things... i also spent a good deal of that time wondering why my government was making it so difficult for me to be an american abroad. especially in "the muslim world."

all that is on hold for a moment... i pray it'll be more than just a passing moment. of hope and change. for those of us abroad. and those of us in america. after all... we, too, sing america.

praised. seeker of the subtle. purveyor of patchwork.

trust faith

2/19/2002:
a few scattered thoughts before i go to bed...

-Ibrahim took shahada [converted] at the mosque tonight after maghrib [sunset prayer]... he got some change from a couple brothers, and he’s getting a book from me.

-it’s easy to get lost in thought during those long walks home under a hot sun. i wander through memories in my mind and my heart wanders a little further back home. home-home, that is.

-i’m having issues with lack of structure. WHY?!

-hard work is a gift, hardly working a curse.

-la imana liman la amanata lahu = “there is no faith in someone people have no faith (trust) in.” -Hadith

subhan Allah!

2/16/2002:
...just finished with a 2-hour email session here in bamenda. wrote to the country director of peace corps morocco. God helep with that! seems like [an internship at the botanic garden in] Limbe this summer may be possible. got a positive reply from Dr. Ndam. only that the garden may be too wet during that season. rainy, that is.

anywho... i'll ened with one thought. Suhaibu [muhammadu & ibrahim's older brother] came to visit after Friday prayer in Wum yesterday. we talked about a bunch of things. we got into ethnic diversity among Muslims, among other equally interesting topics. at regular intervals, Suhaibu would marvel and say "God is so wonderful!" and say it so sincerely that it touched me.

subhan Allah is what i suppose he was translating... i like it! God is so won-duh-ful!

about ISA

this is me, mohamad. 2008. i wanted to interrupt for a bit. a little hindsight i'd like to share. about something that came up in passing in my previous post, but should be addressed. it's about ISA, my old school.

honestly, i hesitated in hyperlinking to ISA's wikipedia page. even mentioning the school entirely. but i did. it's not that i think the wikipedia page is biased. though most everything about the school in the news, from 2001 through today, has been (see the "Controversy" or "References" sections in ISA's wikipedia entry). not just biased... but xenophobic, at best. and, at worst, racist. i guess that's why i wasn't sure if i wanted to go there.

in fact, i wasn't even sure if it was an important part of this story... of my being in cameroon. of peace and freedom. and of presence. but it actually is. much of this is about how "an Arab Muslim boy who grew up in America came to understand himself (and the world) more fully in Central Africa," right? well, ISA is a big part of how this Arab Muslim boy grew up in America.

it's interesting to note, if it hasn't already become an obvious theme, that one of my struggles in cameroon was coming to terms with my American identity. i remember thinking, during training in Babadjou, that i'd never felt as American in my life as i did in cameroon. somehow i'd taken that for granted growing up in America, even in my cross-cultural bubble of a school (see our curriculum)... and even through 4 years of college and a couple years of work in the US. it wasn't until i really had to deal with a 3rd culture in my life – cameroonian – that this became most apparent.

in some ways, i was more like a cameroonian than an american... especially if those cameroonians happened to be muslim. but even if they weren't, many of my cameroonian friends and colleagues noticed these similarities. particularly when my very arab mother came to visit. but both they and i also noticed that, in many more ways, i was unlike them (and my mother, for that matter) and more like my american compatriots. this was my arab muslim american hybrid identity. contrapuntal, as Edward Said so melodically put it.

but back to ISA... the cultural bubble where – though they didn't teach us music, much to my younger brother Offendum's offense – one or two of the independent melodic lines of my contrapuntal perspective (the arab muslim, that is) were nurtured. the only thing that was (is?) really wrong with ISA, as far as i was concerned, was that it didn't explicitly teach this arab muslim boy that he was also growing up american. because he was.

so i had to wait to learn that – i mean really learn that – in cameroon. in many ways, and in hindsight, i'm thankful for that delay. thankful b/c now i get to tell this story... and b/c i'm really happy with where this story is taking me. so i give thanks.

follow the lead

11/1/2001:
Halloween’s come and gone and it’s now November. i want to be able to get in a zone in terms of getting the little “projects” done that keep piling up in my mental to-do list. like the SOWs (EE and Moral Instruction). reading NGO project proposals. putting together an EE club. writing my lesson plans in advance. writing home regularly. and a # of little ideas that come to mind every now and again... tutoring programs, HIV/AIDS presentation, b-ball tournaments, gardening, novels, etc. etc. etc.

i suppose i need to start staying up later... keeping it to 7 hours of sleep! or maybe waking up earlier??? before fajr??? we’ll see... “IBM = Insha’Allah, Bukra, Ma'alaish” [God willing, tomorrow, it's OK].

...one final note, the President of MSA [Muslim Students' Association] Bamenda sat in on our Moral Instruction class today. he even took an audio recording of the lesson (on the Hadith of Gabriel). couldn’t help but think about what PC would think about it... the “govt,” as well. i suppose one will never lose that looking over his shoulder feeling/attitude. it’s a shame though... sad, too. i can hear moms saying “don’t get yourself too involved." and i wonder (as i always have in hindsight) why i do.

it’s a calling... but if so, why the “looking over the shoulder?” why the frustration and the doubts? we’d always rather follow than lead, i guess. the lessons we learn the hard way are the enduring ones... and i learned about leading 1st hand. still a bitter taste in my mouth. but again... no one asked me to lead. don’t know why i automatically see it as that. somehow i don’t know how to toe the line? be active but not take on too much. gotta learn how to follow i guess.

grasshopper harmony

10/20/2001:
finished re-reading The God of Small Things. hopefully that means i’m also finished procrastinating from school work. we’ll see... i’ll try not to pick up another novel... but i don't know that that’s the answer. nor do i know that i’m any closer to know what to say about the book now that i’ve reread it.

strange. that i did that. still a great book. the style. the symbolism... rich and still a little unclear. the themes. “LOVE. MADNESS. HOPE. INFINITE JOY.” the children. the adults. the children as adults. the children in adults. and, the worst part, the adulterated children. or maybe the adults without children in them is worse.

strange that polarity. the world of children and the world of adults, as they appear in the book. 2 totally different worlds. with totally different rules and laws. they cannot be harmonized. you cannot live in both. sorry, i’ve lost my train of thought...

1 more thought...

on Muslims, crickets (grasshoppers, too, i guess) and harmony. on at least 2 occasions yesterday i witnessed a Muslim here not wanting to harm one of the countless crickets collecting around us before the dry season. while cleaning the mud outside the mosque... the insect was picked up and placed elsewhere.

and while sitting inside the mosque, the cricket lay on a man’s knee... it was left there, undisturbed. compassion, consideration and harmony like that is beautiful. serene, and somehow much more of a show of strength than the cruel brutality of crushing or torturing the little animals.

a humble strength. that knows its place and its limits. that reflects harmony with nature and with our ultimately small part in all of it. not like the cruel brutality that lashes out against smaller, weaker things to assert its tenuous control and power over those things. that’s what i saw in that cricket on the man’s knee.

2 thoughts on afghanistan

10/17/2001:
2 thoughts on this situation in Afghanistan. just 2 thoughts... b/c i still don’t want to go there completely. mainly b/c my thoughts aren’t complete. also b/c i don’t know how to bring all the thoughts and emotions in my head on paper properly. anywho... here are my 2 thoughts.

one... more and more groups (i’m thinking mostly sports teams) are refusing to go anywhere where the is a Muslim population. for fear that there would be anti-western protests/riots/attacks. places like Pakistan and Israel are not surprisingly places people (mostly westerners) don’t want to be. but even those so called moderate Muslim countries like the UAE . what to say?

two... American troops are now using psychological strategies to win over support from Afghani people. civilians, troops, whomever will listen. the Psych-Ops branch of the US military is flying planes low and blasting propaganda... pro-American. they’ve even taken over the radio and dropped radio sets to the station they broadcast from.

all this so that the Afghan people can hear how the US doesn’t want to colonize Afghanistan. does not want to attack the Afghan people’s faith. but only wants to deal with these people who are disrespecting the Prophet Muhammad by their actions. HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN TO DESRIBE MY REACTIONS TO THAT?!

people keep assuming that muslims' issues with what the US is leading, this war on terrorism or Islamic Fundamentalism or whatever... has something to do with our support for “Mr. Bin Laden.” instead, it has to do with our suspicions and fear of the west when it comes to our faith. justified or not.

we don’t want to see America extend its war on terrorism to any other countries... b/c, invariably, it’ll be another Muslim country. and, invariably, it’ll be more innocent civilians dying when a “smart-bomb” misses its target due to human error.

Afghanistan now. Iraq tomorrow. Syria later. will it end? that’s why i didn’t want to go there. still so much to process. so many questions that i don’t know who to ask. let alone how to answer.

Lord, make things clear...

and afghanistan

also 10/14/2001:
i have one more thing to say about the trip to bamenda. about how our meeting with the CD went... basically, it just went. no surprises. nothing i hadn’t head before in terms of safety and security protocol, "being vigilant." we observed a moment of silence for the victims of September 11th... i had an urge to add “for the innocent victims in Afghanistan, too.” but not sure that would’ve been appropriate or appreciated. so i kept my peace.

spoke to the CD afterwards. tried to say something about how i felt. wasn’t sure what i wanted to say. it didn’t come out right. said something about wanting to vent. wanting to speak to him. to let him know how a person in my situation, with my vantage point, feels/thinks. i suppose i wanted to give him (someone in a position of authority) my 2 cents.

i believe it came out sounding like (and he saw it as) me wanting to be counseled. comforted. a “diversity issue” is what he labeled it. i guess it is in one sense, but it’s not just that... it’s also me no longer wanting to bite my tongue or keep my peace about thoughts, perceptions and actions that bother me. the stuff coming out of the radio and coming from his mouth, as well. but i sure didn’t convey that.

i want to have just one conversation with him. not so much as a PCV to CD. but i feel compelled to let him know where i, as an arab muslim peace corps volunteer, stand. i feel he needs to know. maybe he won't want to know... maybe he will. who knows?

wum MSA

10/7/2001:
yesterday afternoon i got an invite to a MEMSU meeting. Menchum Muslim Students’ Union. an MSA here in Wum! it was a strange hybrid of Cameroonian protocol and good ol' MSA culture. it also took forever... set for 11am, began at noon. broke for prayer. came back. i left at 3pm and it was still going.

the fact that there is interest, motivation and effort to do the things they want to do is great. makes me happy. cleaning the mosque. going out to schools to fill the gap in “Moral Instruction” class for Muslim students. working on building a urinal for the area around the mosque, etc.

still, some things worry me. it’s strange that the same frustrations we faced back in the US seem likely to come into play. complacency among members. fundraising. getting bogged down in details and seeing an ugly side of people. even worrying about government perception... all the more so here since even our little meeting today, which we didn't have official permission to hold, would be considered an “illegal gathering.” how iron curtain!

but i won't even go into that... my thoughts on the matter of perception of Muslims right now are somewhat bitter and emotionally charged. so i’ll keep those caged up for now, if you will. let them simmer down and process... that’s another entry in here all its own. waiting to come out. to be released. with ease, insha'Allah.

anyway... i introduced myself to the group, told them i was sincerely happy to see this Association coming together, answered a few questions on MSAs in the USA (again, in many ways the same as here it seems... for better or for worse) and i pledged my support and assistance as much as i could offer.

honestly, i just don’t want to over-commit. like back in college. that frustration. endless meetings and anger/annoyance with colleagues and a community that won’t respond. i want to come out for general meetings. an executive meeting every now and again. give advice when and where i can. help in the projects. i guess i just don’t want to lead. is that wrong?

i kept my mouth shut at the meeting today. just spoke when they asked me to introduce myself. the community needs leaders, but i don’t feel as if i’m the man for this job... not here and now. it's not like they’ve asked me to run the organization! but i know how it goes. commitment.

i just hope my intentions are pure and righteous in this case. i don’t want to think that i’m shying away from service just because of how muslims are perceived in these times or how others would perceive my involvement. ahhh... God bless and guide.

enemy

10/1/2001:
subhan-Allah... it’s already October. Autumn in America. it seemed like Spring just yesterday. i left home just yesterday. i left a more-or-less quiet America. no real or immediate indication that we’d be bracing for all this. what is all this? i wish i knew exactly. even with news from the BBC and VOA i still feel totally disconnected. an outsider. not sure exactly how or what people are thinking back in the states. whether they too feel like we’re “at the brink of war” as some dramatic news broadcasts say. World War III, i’ve even heard.

i don’t believe (or don’t want to believe) that. especially since it isn’t all too clear exactly who "the enemy" is being made out to be. this morning i listened to a broadcast by one Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN)... a conservative Christian station out of Santa Ana, CA. a man gave a long, detailed discourse on Islamic Fundamentalism, Yasser Arafat, Saddam, the events of September 11th and the current political ramifications. quoting all too liberally from the Qur’an and having no qualms about blurring the lines b/w terrorism, “Islamic Fundamentalism,” and Islam. indeed, he may just as well have said that Islam is the enemy...

i’m not even sure he didn’t call muslims the enemy. it was tough following his logic sometimes. suffice it to say that we’re a blood-thirsty, murderous people aimed at toppling democracy everywhere. Israel and the US being the primary targets. i suppose i’ve heard all this before. maybe not in so direct and comprehensive an expression. it didn’t surprise or disturb me all that much. maybe b/c there was no undertone or insinuation in what he was saying... he couldn’t of been more straightforward. better to know exactly who your enemy is, i guess... although i don’t like that word, ENEMY.

wum it is

8/5/2001:
Bruce, my young cameroonian neighbor, is leaving for Dschang tomorrow. i’ll be leaving for Wum in a few weeks. we exchanged addresses. good guy. not sure what my first impression of him was but he’s tre gentile. he'll be working on getting his diploma in Biochem @ Dschang. after that...???

same problem so many other university grads have in cameroon. very little job opportunity and the dream of getting abroad. sure that won’t be the last conversation of that type i’ll be having with a young cameroonian here... and it’s not the first. meme Oliver, meme Godwin...

OK, Bruce just invited me to his place for a bit... we looked at photos and ate prunes.

it’s Sunday and we just found out about posts on Friday. i must say that Wum was a surprise of sorts. i really expected the SW. i believe my APCD knew all along where i was going. he mentioned it at the CD’s house that night. suppose i could’ve just asked.

anywho... i wasn’t sure how to feel about the post. granted, i can’t judge before going. there’s supposed to be a mosque close to school and a large muslim community. those were my only requirements, so all is good.

-i shaved today! first time since getting here.
-did laundry all morning
-was listening to Kenny Rogers... and enjoying it! (reminded me of home).
-finished a long letter to Omar
-writing one to Rama
-copying a couple poems for Adam
-AND prepping my Form I lesson.

my other side...

 
7/10/2001:
just got back from Peace & Freedom. i was nervous about what i wanted to talk about... the “other” side of me that’s feeling closeted here. let me clarify:

i've been overwhelmed by all that i've been feeling and thinking about for the past few weeks. about the fear of losing touch with the culture that’s more or less been placed on the back burner here, if you will. partly my fault. partly a desire to adjust and identify with my colleagues. partly the reality that i’m not in Muslim country, right-here / right-now. and that there isn't anyone here who can identify with that part of me.

i brought up my anxiety at Peace & Freedom. hadn’t really thought about it, so i rambled... not like me to share spontaneously like that. people were concerned. it was comforting to get support and empathy from everyone... whatever each respective individual could offer. all was appreciated. Greg especially... he can articulate emotions so eloquently. it sounds so clear and simple when he says it.

generally speaking, so many of us are going through the same emotional process: ups and downs, missing family and friends, feeling alone and misunderstood, struggling for motivation in hardship, etc. i admire these people so much. for their courage, fortitude and determination... just plain stubborn sometimes.

but a few of us have broken-down during Peace & Freedom, talking about all of this. someone said they felt like they were “killing themselves” b/c of how stubborn they were being. i can see how that's worrying especially when it comes to health. i've just been having digestive issues, but a couple of us have had more serious ailments.

i thanked Greg for sharing his experience last week and on other occasions. his description of the troubles i was feeling and how he handled it kept me going and helped me cope many a time. overall, there was a lot to say today... emotional, somber, yet somehow open-minded and hopeful. many more questions raised than answered, though... what to say?