christmas music

12/31/2001:
in bed. it’s morning. Paul [my neighbor] is playing Christmas music. really loud. Nat King Cole or Bing Crosby, i think. Jingle Bells, White Christmas...

...how does it make me feel? i don’t know??? ambivalent, i guess:

• 1st: the setting is off... it’s out of context. it’s not Christmas, it’s not white out and one-horse-open-slays are about as far away from here as possible.
• 2nd: it’s Christmas music. i don’t celebrate the holiday... but that’s not fair. the music is more cultural than religious. more American than anything. i'm just not sure i ever liked the music.
  

i suppose that’s why it’s so strange to hear it here... and strange that it gives me that warm, fuzzy, nostalgic feeling on a chilly morning like this. it reminds me of home. i miss home. the things i took for granted and never thought would trigger feelings like this.

ambivalence. my mind thinks, “Great! Christmas music... followed me all the way out here” and my heart feels the presence (or is it the absence?) of family to hug, hot chocolate to drink and serene winter landscapes to take in.