my other side...

 
7/10/2001:
just got back from Peace & Freedom. i was nervous about what i wanted to talk about... the “other” side of me that’s feeling closeted here. let me clarify:

i've been overwhelmed by all that i've been feeling and thinking about for the past few weeks. about the fear of losing touch with the culture that’s more or less been placed on the back burner here, if you will. partly my fault. partly a desire to adjust and identify with my colleagues. partly the reality that i’m not in Muslim country, right-here / right-now. and that there isn't anyone here who can identify with that part of me.

i brought up my anxiety at Peace & Freedom. hadn’t really thought about it, so i rambled... not like me to share spontaneously like that. people were concerned. it was comforting to get support and empathy from everyone... whatever each respective individual could offer. all was appreciated. Greg especially... he can articulate emotions so eloquently. it sounds so clear and simple when he says it.

generally speaking, so many of us are going through the same emotional process: ups and downs, missing family and friends, feeling alone and misunderstood, struggling for motivation in hardship, etc. i admire these people so much. for their courage, fortitude and determination... just plain stubborn sometimes.

but a few of us have broken-down during Peace & Freedom, talking about all of this. someone said they felt like they were “killing themselves” b/c of how stubborn they were being. i can see how that's worrying especially when it comes to health. i've just been having digestive issues, but a couple of us have had more serious ailments.

i thanked Greg for sharing his experience last week and on other occasions. his description of the troubles i was feeling and how he handled it kept me going and helped me cope many a time. overall, there was a lot to say today... emotional, somber, yet somehow open-minded and hopeful. many more questions raised than answered, though... what to say?