why am i not there?

4/14/2002:
LONG day yesterday. can i call it empty? took me 11 hours to get here to Bamenda from Yaounde. took Binam [a bus company] to Baffousam. Mazi [another bus company] to Bamenda. waited long at Yaounde. longer on the road. "patience" [also the name of a bus company]... although i didn’t take them, got me through it.

realized at one point that i could’ve gotten to Florida or Michigan if i was home [in Washington, DC] and traveling for 11 hours. interesting thought. interesting to think just how patient i’ve gotten. with all the waiting. the arguing. the squeezing. bumping. smelling. stopping, again and again. and, yesterday, even the roaches crawling up my legs.

spoke to Rama outside Baffousam. she’s well. working hard again. the company is going out of business. she’s trying to salvage their clients and start a start-up. again. asked her why?... thought she had issues with work and not being with the kids. but work is a must, i guess... “a woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do.”

she and Omar were gonna sit down and have a heart to heart. about school. that’s also hard. school, that is. i sent him an email for support. asked him to listen to Rama. why am i not there? yeah... i know, because i’m here.

but in so many ways, i need to be there. not huge ways. but the subtle ways, like talking to Rama/Omar/the kids. i should be there. i’m here for me. i should be there for them AND, in turn, for me. because they are me. again why am i not there? not going to ask the other question...